In the “bookmarks” folder in my web browser, I keep a folder labeled “entry fodder”, where I bookmark stuff that I intend to talk about later. I just checked in there, and . . . yeah. Apparently I’ve been book-marking like crazy, and forgetting all about it. So, let’s weed that crap out of there.
     
     First up on the list, from Crooks&Liars, Culture Warriors in Action. This article links to stories about a teacher being fired because during a field trip to a local museum, one of her pupils was apparently scarred for life by seeing a nude statue; another nutjob with too much free time wanting Harry Potter books banned out the school library, because Harry Potter converts kids to Wicca; and some fundie dipshit wanting Fahrenheit 451 banned out his kids’ school library, because of the swearing and talking about burning the Bible. That last one there? Talk about missing the fucking point.
     I was in drama club in high school — quite involved with it, actually. I did two and three plays a year — four, actually, counting the children’s play that we took on the road to various schools in drama class. (I believe this is why my memory is shot now. Wore it out memorizing all those lines.) One year, we did a play called Girls of the Garden Club, by John Patrick. It was kind of a lowbrow comedy with some general toilet humor — pretty harmless stuff, the kind of thing sixth- and seventh-graders would spend a lot of time giggling about. Someone’s mother got a hold of the script, and all hell broke loose. She demanded the play be canceled, censored, all sorts of BS. We ended up having to go before the school board to defend ourselves . . . and losing. All this over the use of the word “virgin”, and a couple of “damns” and “hells”. No, seriously.
     We lost, which meant we had to censor all that nasty humor. Being a bunch of stubborn cusses, we replaced all that offensive humor with phrases designed to be as mocking as possible of the fact that we’d been made to censor ourselves. We replaced “virgin” with phrases like “pure of heart” and “pure like white snow” and so forth, which was silly in the extreme when you consider that several of the “virgins” used were in the name of a plant. We replaced the one or two mild swears with strings of childish phrases, like “well, goshdarnshootgollygeewhiz!” and whatnot. Most of the audience got it and laughed all the harder for it, and those who had tried to censor us in the first place were so mad that they briefly tried to get the drama department shut down. That didn’t go anywhere, because the board at the time was sensible enough to ignore them.
     The thing about that whole mess that really aggravated me was the fact that two years before we had done another play about teenage suicide, in which I played a drunken, abusive mother who cussed and swore and beat her daughter, and there was a scene in the play where the daughter got it on with her boyfriend on the couch (well, it was certainly inferred that teen sex was going on after the lights had faded out, anyhow), and there was so much cussing and swearing that we edited it ourselves. Not one peep from anyone about all that, but try to do an asinine comedy, and all hell breaks loose. I even pointed that out to the school board, to no effect.
     The point being that some of you lot out there need to get lives, and stop mucking about in business which doesn’t involve y’all. I mean, seriously. Stupid comedies about gardening clubs never degraded anyone’s moral fiber. Seeing Michaelangelo’s naked statue of David, with his little wang hanging out in all its stone glory is not going to scar your kid’s life. Harry Potter leads to kids wanting read, not become Wiccans. And for fucksake, censoring Fahrenheit 451 is just the single most damn foolish thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. Really.
     And now, a word about regulating food in the restaurant industry: Survey: Restaurants dishing out extra-large portions — Most restaurant chefs are dishing out portions that are two to four times bigger than the government’s recommended serving sizes.
     Okay, look, stop it. Just stop it right there. The portion is too big, so it’s our fault you’re getting fat? How about, don’t be a gluttonous pig and eat the whole plate? Take some home, and have it tomorrow, instead. How is the restaurant industry to blame for the fact that people can’t stop themselves from being hogs when food is sat in front of them? Are these people stupid? It’s like these people who blame McDonald’s for making them fat. Hello! Don’t eat McDonald’s all day every day, and you won’t gain thirty pounds a week. Shit, people, take some responsibility for yourselves!
     PS: that banana split shown in the article? Dinky compared to ours. Have two, then sue us. Idiots.
     It’s not easy to be an atheist. I don’t even know where to start with this thing. The whole article insults my intelligence.
     An atheist assigns himself to life without ultimate purpose. Well, no, not really. “Ultimate purpose” is a thing to be found within oneself. It’s about finding your place in the world, and being comfortable with it. “Yet, if the atheist is honest, he will admit to feeling that there is something more to existence -something bigger.” Yes, I feel exactly that, and it’s generally summed up with the phrase, “Are you honestly trying to tell me that we have a whole planet full of otherwise intelligent people, and we can’t manage to do any better that this?” There is something more to existence, and it’s all about being better people, and making the planet better, and being better to each other.
     The atheist must also suppress the demands of logic. This point is quickly followed by, Yet, ironically, the atheist has to believe in miracles without believing in God. I’m sorry. I’m rendered speechless. Actually, no, I’m not. You’ve got to work harder than this drivel to accomplish that. Considering that we can trace our DNA back through the ages to see exactly how it evolved, and can supply literal mountains of evidence to attest to this fact, I have a real hard time buying the alternate crap involved in “intelligent design”, which is built with pseudo-scientific babble and cannot be scientifically measured or proved in any way, shape, or form. And yet, I’m the illogical one. Fuck. As to the existence of life, we’ve got some pretty decent theories lined up for that one, too, and none of them involve religious miracles. Abiogensis, anyone?
     An atheist must also suppress all notions of morality. Yes, because without a god in my life, I can’t tell that murder is bad. That’s why I’ve killed 42 customers this week, and am typing this blog post while on the run from the cops, because I can’t tell that murder is wrong. And of course peace isn’t better than war. I mean, peace is so boring. Millions of people being killed during, say, a crusade, would be much more entertaining, definitely. Nailed that one right on the head.
     In fact, the atheist must conclude that evil is an illusion. Right. Evil is not an illusion. I’ve met evil. I see it on the news every day. Occasionally it wanders right into my restaurant. Often, it claims God as an excuse for existing in the first place. Fred Phelps would come immediately to mind.
     The atheist must also live with the arrogance of his position. I admit, it is sometimes difficult being right all the time.
     The atheist must also deny the validity of historical proof. Well, no, not really. I’m perfectly willing to accept that many events in the Bible may certainly have happened in some form. I also accept that the Bible is an ancient book that’s been through many revisions, and is chock full of mistranslations and errors. I’ll accept that plenty of the folks in the Bible might have existed and done things and had wars and so forth. After that, concerning gods and miracles and angels and whatnot, that stuff I can’t buy. It goes back to, what makes your religious fairy tales any better than those of any other religion? If Jesus actually died and got resurrected, then so must have Horus, then, right? Why is your story more true than the ancient Egyptians, who I’d like to point out, told their version of the story first?
     Finally, the atheist must admit that human beings are not importantly different from other animals. Yes! Exactly so! And I think that once we finally accept the fact that we’re all just a bunch of fucking monkeys who hit the genetic jackpot, we’ll all be a lot happier, more humble, and more able to get on with making this place a better place to live, dammit! What makes us so damn special? Nothing! Now get off your pedestal and get to work!
     Always remember that the atheist’s problem with belief in God is not the absence of evidence but the suppression of it. No, no, it’s the absence. Again, why is this god real, and not Odin, or Zeus, or Isis? Why your story, and no one else’s? You know, I’ve got a lot of books around here, and some of them say some crazy shit, but that doesn’t make any of it true.

     That’s enough for today, I think. Too bad blogging doesn’t go towards my word count.

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