Punday Night: Bar Edition
The Bar Edition is brought to you by the fine people at Silly Puns.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said “Gimme a beer!” but the bartender said “Get outta here! We don’t serve your kind here!” So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said “Aren’t you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?” No, the string replied, “I’m a frayed knot!”
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, “Don’t you need to know where the bathroom is?” The pig says, “No, I go wee wee all the way home.”
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” asks the snake. The bartender says, “Because you can’t hold your liquor”
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies “I think not” and POOF! he vanishes
Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a “very” buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He’s laying on the floor and moans, “Why do you let the bartender do it?” “Because he has a liquor license!”
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another, I said, “Let’s go back to my place.” She said, “Oh, do you have cable?” I said, “No, but I have some old ropes that should do just fine.”
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender. “You’re Bard!”
So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” asks the snake. The bartender says,”Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, “C’mon lady, I’m a fun guy.”
Two cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts, “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here!” To, which, the cakes reTORT, “Where else should we go?” And not moving an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies, “I don’t care, I think there’s a place yeast of here!”
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive”
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. “I’ll have a glass of blood,” said one. “I’ll have a glass of plasma”, said the other. “Okay,” replied the bartender, “that’ll be one blood and one blood lite.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. “Do you serve tax collectors?”, he asks the barman. “Of course”, says the barman. “Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.
It was a doctor’s regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri”, to which the bartender replied, “No, I’m sorry, it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. One particular bar in our neighborhood has a very well groomed resident cat who is quite friendly. In fact the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while. He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.
