More on Restauranting
The Restaurant Where I Work(TM) is a family-owned, family-style diner. Think Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel, only with less class. I’ve always worked family-style, and I’ve spent way more time in the little mom n’ pop places than in the corporate restaurants. It makes a difference, because mom n’ pop type places have their own unique set of problems. For one thing, they invariably tend to be under-staffed, and since they often don’t pay as well, or offer benefits, it’s more difficult to attract and keep good help.
The upside of mom n’ pop places is that they aren’t so stodgy and wrapped up in corporate policy. I quit one place because they scripted almost everything you said to your table, and it got on my last frickin’ nerve. The non-stodginess can also be a downside, because nothing is ever carved in stone, and you may go along doing things one way, and then one day, out of the blue, get in trouble for it. It can make you crazy.
This one guy comes up to the register and I make the mistake of asking him how everything was. I knew better, because he already looked grumpy and stupid, which is a bad sign, but the question gets to be rote, and you ask it without thinking sometimes.
“I didn’t like my waitress.” He answers.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” I say, smiling apologetically. “What was wrong?”
“I didn’t like her.”
A bit confused now, I said, “Ah, what was wrong? Was she rude?” (Note to prospective managers in customer service: Don’t ask questions like that. It gives people ideas about what to say to get money off their bill or something.)
“No.” He answers, sullenly, staring at me with these little pig eyes.
“Um. Did she not come back to the table? She brought you everything, right?” (More bad questions, just for reference.)
“Yeah.”
Okaaaaaay . . . so she wasn’t rude, and she did her job right . . . “So what was the problem, then, sir?” I ask politely, letting my confusion show on my face.
“I didn’t like her!”
What, I’m thinking, he didn’t like her personally? What the hell am I supposed to do about that? I’m not frickin’ Ghandi or something. “Well, I’m very sorry, sir. Please feel free to request a different waitress next time, if you don’t like that one. Another girl is always happy to pick up a table.” I give him my million-dollar smile, hoping that this will solve the problem, but knowing that it won’t. “That’ll be $20.22, please.”
“You aren’t going to take any money off my bill?” He asks belligerently, still with that stupid, mean, piggy sort of look on his face.
Ah. Here’s what it’s all about. The prick doesn’t want to pay his bill, but he’s too stupid to come up with a good excuse. Alrighty then, now I see what the problem is. Innocently, I give him my vaguely confused expression again. A good way to deal with stupid customers who are just out to bilk you is to suddenly lose about fifty IQ points, and just let that blonde hair gleam out. In other words, play stupid and friendly. “I’m sorry, sir. What do I need to take money off the bill for?” I say, “genuinely” puzzled. Thank god for four years of drama class. Acting is probably the most useful skill I ever picked up from school.
“Well, I didn’t like my waitress!” He exclaimed.
“I’m very sorry about that sir, but you said she wasn’t rude to you? And that she brought you everything you wanted?”
Now he’s trapped. He did just say that, despite me being a dumbass and giving him two good reasons not to “like” his waitress, since he obviously couldn’t think of any for himself. Also, there’s a line of people behind him who just heard him say she wasn’t rude and that she did her job. “Well, yeah! But I didn’t like her!”
“I am sorry about that, sir. I’ll have a talk with her about that. Please do feel free to request a different waitress if you get her next time.” Million-dollar smile again. “That’ll be $20.22, please.” I say brightly.
He paid me.
Most customers, immediately upon entering any establishment where customer service is offered, such as a store or restaurant, automatically lose at least thirty IQ points until they leave. I say “most”, because there is such a thing as a good customer. I just don’t run across them very often.
Because of this, you have to be careful when you’re in customer service jobs. When I was a waitress, and I was called upon to train the new hires, I used to train them to deal with such instant stupidity. There are a few good tricks. A lot of them rely on reading the customer and acting on gut instinct.
One of the first tricks is not to confuse your table with a lot of questions, which sounds kind of silly at first. Restaurant service is made up of questions. What do you want to drink, what kind of potato do you want with that, what would you like to eat, how do you like your eggs, etc, etc, etc. You don’t want to ask questions that leave the customer too much room to think. A customer that’s “thinking” is always bad. Instead, you ask questions like “Can I get you some coffee?” instead of “What would you like to drink?” The customer knows what they want to drink, but if you just ask them, for some reason, they generally have to sit and stare at the menu for a minute or two while the answer percolates up through the foggy depths of their reptilian hindbrains and tumbles out their mouth. Meanwhile, four more tables have sat down in your section, and you’re suddenly behind. Asking if they want coffee jumpstarts the process and they’ll usually immediately pop out with “No, I want diet coke.” or “Sure!”
The same idea applies to every other question you need to ask the table. Don’t ask, “What are you having today?” Instead, you ask, “Having the meatloaf special today?” (Or whatever.) While you ask this, make eye contact, smile, and nod positively — there’s a term for that. It’s called “the Sullivan nod”, after a famous and successful restaurateur named Sullivan, who goes all around the country giving lectures about how to provide excellent customer service in a restaurant. It sounds like crap, but it actually works. Customers key into to the bright smile and positive nod, and will usually answer “yes” to whatever you suggest without thinking about it. “Want the dessert special?” *big smile, nod nod nod* Customer, nodding back automatically, “Um, sure!” It actually works! I couldn’t believe it at first, either, until I tried it. What you have to remember is that most people are inheirantly sheep, and if you lead them, they’ll follow.
If they get dinner, ask “Want mashed potatoes with that?” instead of, “What kind of potato would you like?” or “Want those eggs over-easy?” instead of “How do you want your eggs?” There are a few great reasons for this. One, if you lead them, they will follow, generally without even thinking about it. Two, 90% of the time when you’re waiting tables, you’re in a hurry, because you’ve got other tables to get to, food to get out, etc. It’s just faster to say, “Over-easy?” or “Mashed potatoes?” (*big smile, nod nod nod*) instead of, “What kind of potato do you want with that?” Every second counts when you’re busy in a restaurant. (That’s why you’ll notice a lot of waitresses say “y’all”, even up north. “Y’all” is faster to say than “are you all” or “everyone” or whatever. As in, “How y’all doin’?” “Y’all want coffee?” I’m serious. Every single second counts. All waitresses are not Southern, but we are all in a hurry.) And three — you have to remember that lost 30 IQ points. If you give a table too many choices, you’ll just confuse them. Narrow it down, and everyone will be a lot happier.
Another trick I’ve learned is to crouch down at the end of the table or booth, if you can. You have to remember that, to your customer, you are “subservient”. Now, you and I know this isn’t really true, but that’s what the customer expects and wants. You are just “the hired help”. Whether the customer wants to admit that they’re thinking that way or not, that’s what’s going on subconsciously. Reinforcing that makes the customer happy. The customer is already sitting down, which means that when you come over to the table, unless you’re really short, you’re towering over them. That gives the impression of you having power over them, like the king on his throne up on the dais, sitting over everyone else. What you want to do is try to get lower than your customer, so that they’re looking down on you. This makes them happy, and gives them the subconscious cue that you “understand your place” as a “servant”. It also gives an impression of friendliness, informality, and hominess, which can be an important impression in a family restaurant. You have to kind of read your customer, to see if they want some informality, or if they’ve stumbled into your diner expecting high service from their favorite “garcon”. (Note: Don’t use “y’all” or “folks” or “guys” with a table looking for formal service. It just pisses them off.) So, crouch down at the end of the table, flop your book up so they can see what you’re writing, give ‘em that million-dollar smile, and go to it. (If they make special instructions, and they actually see you write them down, it makes them happy. And/or, if you’ve got a friendly and bright bunch of folks, it can lead to a fun conversation on what your waitress shorthand actually means. For example — most of us girls at my place write everything on the ticket in numbers, because we use a MICROS computer system to enter our orders, and choices on the computer are entered as the number of the choice. So, cheese and mushrooms on a Big Tex is “14″, and over-easy eggs is “13″, and whatnot. Customers will ask what you’re writing, and you can grin and give ‘em a quick explanation, which makes them feel like they’ve learned something, which amuses them.)
I’ve been told to touch customers — that this improves tips. In my experience, this is bullshit. Customers don’t want the dirty servants touching them, and frankly, we don’t want you touching us. That’s been my experience. However, I’ve achieved good results with touching the table instead. The table becomes an extention of the customer’s personal space, and whereas a touch on the shoulder from a total stranger may be unnerving, patting the table is acceptable. This works well for when you’re getting your ass kicked, and you need to do a run-by on a table. For example, a table just sat down, and needs drinks and menus, but you’ve got empty hands, three orders to get back, and food in the window. You do a run-by, which is, you run by the table, give ‘em that big, beautiful smile, and say, “I’ll be right with you!” or “I’ll be right back with menus!” or whatever. When I do it, I put my hand lightly on the table, like I was patting their shoulder or something, lean in just a bit, say what I need to say, and keep on running. Takes about three seconds, and makes the customers feel like you were being more personal, as opposed to just sprinting by and hollaring “Be right with you!” over your shoulder as you race away. I feel like the customers feel more “acknowledged” that way.
Another great trick — invest in some decent bulk candy from your local grocery store, and keep a big handful in your pocket. Get something good, like Hershey’s Kisses or Hershey’s Minis, or, if you’re making really good money, those Dove Promises, and leave enough candy with the bill for everyone to get a bite of chocolate. For one thing, it’s obviously not those crappy restaurant mints that some places give out with the bill, so the customers know immediately that this candy is a personal touch from you to them. (It works the opposite way, too. A waitress will remember the customer that left them a piece of good candy with their tip.) For another thing, a customer can’t bitch if their mouth is full of chocolate. And finally, kids can’t scream and whine if you stuff their mouths full of candy. (Always ask the parents before giving candy to kids.) I also recommend carrying some cheap Dum-Dum suckers for whiny kids. If their parents approve, a kid will usually quit screaming if you stuff a sucker in their mouth. It also makes Mom and Dad happy, because they just want to get out for a nice family dinner, and they aren’t having any fun either if their kid is pitching a fit. Grumpy parents = crappy tip.
Also, suck up to the kids if you can. Kids make something like 80% of their parents dining choices as far as where to go. If the kid likes you and your restaurant, they’ll come back. If the kid likes you, the parents will like you, and they’ll tip you better. I have one little boy at work whom I call my “boyfriend”. He’s an adorable little three-year-old who, sadly, is suffering from Leukemia. Whenever he comes in with his big sister and his parents, he’ll stand up in the booth seat and “flirt” with me (you know how kids do that) whenever I go by. The parents are absolutely tickled pink with this, and they love me to death. I also bribed the shit out of them the last couple times they were in. The little boy was due back into the hospital for another round of chemo and treatment, and the parents told me this, and that this was their big dinner for the little guy before he went back into the hospital. So, I gave them the biggest, most humongous and gorgeous-looking banana split, on the house, for dessert when they were done with their dinner. They were thrilled. (No shit, this banana split was at least a foot high, and almost eight inches wide. I probably used a whole gallon of ice cream when I made the damn thing. I thought I was going to throw my back out carrying it to the table.) Several months later, when they came back in, they told me that the chemo had been successful and that the boy’s Leukemia had been pronounced “in remission” by the hospital. They got another free, huge banana split in celebration. (Which makes it sound like I just did it for the fat tip, which is not true. I was really happy for them. They’re really nice people, and their kids are a rare treat — adorable, sweet, and well-behaved.)
Don’t go to a table empty-handed if you can manage it. The waitress who first trained me to wait tables told me this, and I’ve always held to it. Also, when you’re taking menus out to a table that’s just sat down, take waters, too. A table that has menus and waters will wait a few minutes longer if you can’t get back to them right away. Get something in front of them, and they’ll shut up — it’s a good stalling tactic. Another good stall, especially for huge groups where it’s going to take you awhile to get salads, drinks, and food out, is to get the table a bread basket, or a basket of chips and salsa, or damn near anything for them to stuff in their mouths while they’re waiting for you to get your shit together. This has always worked for me. People can’t bitch if their mouth is full, and it makes them happy because they’re eating something that isn’t going to show up on their bill. Happy customers are customers who come back and spend more at your restaurant, so it’s worth the investment in food cost to do something like this, which is a good thing to tell your manager if they bitch about giving away food. Bread, and/or chips and salsa are not expensive items to give away, food-cost-wise, when you consider the benefits of a happy table of thirty people leaving your restaurant and going out to tell all their friends what awesome service they got from your place.
One final trick for waitresses — always tip your busser/hostess out, especially if it isn’t required by your restaurant. If it is required, over-tip them out. This is called bribery. They will remember that you gave them money, and they will go out of their way to get your section cleaned first and faster, or get your tables set up for you, which means more tables for you, happier customers for you, and less work for you. Definitely worth the investment of a few extra bucks.
Managers . . . listen up. Especially you lazy managers who are standing around with your thumbs up your asses when you could be helping to make happy customers who aren’t chewing your ass up at the cash register because they had to wait too long.
First rule: Always “Help” But Never “Do For”. This is important. When your waitresses realize that you’re helping them do their work, or work their tables, some of them will turn into lazy twats who expect you to do everything for them. Don’t fall into that trap. Tell a waitress who’s being lazy to get off their ass and work their own table, but if your girls (guys too, I’m used to an all-female waitstaff) are honestly getting their asses kicked, you best be out there helping. For one thing, it will earn you respect from your staff. Staff appreciates a manager who will get in there and get dirty, too.
I’m surprised by how many managers and hostesses (and even waitresses) don’t know this trick: Waters, silver, and menus to every table in a rush, especially, especially, if you’re short-handed/busier than expected/both (which happens all to often). First thing when you see a rush coming in the door, and you get that feeling of dawning horror as you realize that you’re about to get your ass stomped on, and you don’t have enough waitstaff on to handle it, run immediately to the water fountain and make up as many small glasses of ice water as you possibly can. Grab up a fucking ton of silverware, fill a bar tray full of waters, and jam a ream of menus under your arm, and get your butt out there. Just start at one end, put that big, million-dollar grin on your face, and start tossing menus, waters, and silver at everything that sits in a booth seat. (For you waitresses that are cursed with a pissing-useless lazy manager, feel free to do this for yourselves — it helps a lot if the waitress who’s in the section that will be filled up last can take a few spare seconds to do this. Teamwork rocks, and the rest of the staff will remember what you did for them.) Customers who are getting menus and waters and whatnot as they drop into seats will feel as though they are getting better service than they actually are.
As soon as you get the waters and silvers out, start getting drink orders for your girls. The goal here is to make it so your girls can just stop at their tables assembly-line fashion, collect the order, run it to the kitchen, and start throwing food at people. (Not literally, although boy, you sure wish you could sometimes, don’t you?) Once you’ve got that accomplished, and food starts coming up in the window, tray up food for the girls. You know what kind of condiments and shit should go on the food (and if you don’t, what the hell kind of manager are you?), so slap that crap on there, too, for them. If they need something special, they can take a few seconds to grab it for themselves, since you’ve saved them the time of grabbing all the other odds n’ ends they might need — syrups, butters, sour creams, salsas, all that crap. Then, all your waitress has to do is run by, snag their tray, and go give it to their table. This means your customers are getting their food that much faster, and are that much happier and less likely to be chewing your ass up at the cash register.
Don’t be scared to run a tray out to a table for the girls, if they’re that bogged down. A simple “Hi! Just helping out! Who gets the meatloaf?” to the table should smooth that out, and they’ll be happy because they don’t have cold food and congealed gravy.
For God’s sake, run coffee for the girls. Take a pot of decaf and a pot of regular, and do the rounds filling coffees. Watch out for pop refills as you go. Nothing pisses a customer off worse than not getting a refill on their coffee. Nobody drinks a cup of coffee, and a coffee drinker absolutely fucking hates not getting a refill. Also, make a pitcher of water, and run that around, too.
Pre-buss for the girls during a rush! There is no excuse for your hands to be empty during a rush, and customers hate dirty plates sitting in their way. It also makes life easier for your bussers, and they can get empty tables bussed out faster, which means your customers aren’t standing in line waiting for as long.
Get your smokers a cigarette break. Okay, you and I both know that Health Code says you can only smoke in such n’ such a place so far away from food prep areas, yaddayaddayadda. Now, I am not advocating lighting up a smoke right in the fucking wait aisle, but you and I both also know that somewhere in your restaurant is a convenient corner that the customers can’t see, reasonably far away from the food prep areas, that your staff can get to and get back out of in a hustle. Waitresses who are smokers who are getting their asses kicked are almost automatically having a stress-induced nic-fit. This makes your waitresses cranky, and try as they might, it’s going to show eventually. Get in that corner, light one up, and snag your waitresses as they run by to grab a hit or two. They will love you forever. You are unlikely to get caught, and frankly, any asshole Health Inspector that shows up in the middle of your Friday Night dinner rush and demands to inspect the place deserves to be killed and made into cod fillets for the fish fry. If this all isn’t feasible, and you know, sometimes it isn’t in corporate places, then make sure you are rotating your smokers back to grab a hit or two off a smoke. Also, rotate your non-smokers back for a quick breather as well — it’ll relax them and make them happier servers, which means happier customers, which means less ass-chewing from customers for you.
And for Jesus’ sake, if you’re one of those Nazi managers who don’t allow their smoking employees to smoke on the clock, you should be fucking shot. Yes, yes, I know, “They’re here to work, not to smoke!” Yeah? Blow me. Smokers who are not smoking are cranky, and cranky waitresses don’t make happy customers. Stressed-out waitresses don’t do their job as well. “It’s not fair for the smokers to take a break, and the non-smokers not to!” You can solve this problem by not calling it a “smoke break”. Call it “taking five”. Let your non-smokers “take five” also — they’re just as stressed as the smokers are, and just as desperately in need of a minute or two away from the damn customers. Just don’t let them abuse the privilege, and you’ll do just fine.
A word about the back of the house: If you can’t get in a kitchen and throw down, you have no business managing a restaurant. You must be just as able to get the food out of the kitchen as you are to run the floor. Don’t be afraid to get in the kitchen and take over when needed.
I am not a great cook. I pity the customers who have to rely on me alone to get their food out during a rush — they’re going to be waiting awhile. However, I can walk into a cluster-fucked kitchen and clear the board in a very reasonable amount of time. Give me any one or two half-trained monkies, and I can bust a dinner rush out. If you can’t do this, you need to learn how in a hustle, or you need to get out of the business of managing a restaurant. (Alternatively, if you’re a manager who was promoted up out of the kitchen, you need to learn how to run your floor. You are no good to your waitresses if you can’t help them work the floor during a rush. But, I’ve already covered some tips on how to do that, above.)
One reason a kitchen gets bogged down and buried during a rush is lack of a good leader in the kitchen, and lack of organization. If you look back into your line, and your cooks are running around the kitchen like Larry, Curly, and Moe, it’s time to step in and take over. How you do this depends on the problem in the kitchen.
If your problem is lack of a leader in the kitchen, then during a rush, it’s your job to get back there and lead. Get back there and take over the board (the guy who’s reading and firing the tickets). Take a second to assess the situation — how far down their line of tickets are they fired? How much food is on the grill burning, because they fired too much food and now can’t get it back up off the grills fast enough? You need to know how to tell these things. My general tactic is to walk back, look around and assess exactly how screwed the guys are, and then take over. You announce this by grabbing the first ticket on the board and yell, “Coming off on ham and eggs, fried chicken, blahblahblah!” (That tells them what food should be going up in the window.) Then you give them an all-day — this is everything that’s been fired (put down to cook) so far. “Four Early Birds, Six Country Frieds, Two New Yorks, One baked, one mashed, all day!” (Don’t ask me where these terms come from. I don’t know, and chances are, they’re slightly different in your place. Maybe not — every kitchen I’ve ever worked in knew what an “all day” was.) Doing an all-day lets the cooks double-check to make sure they’ve got everything down that should be down. Now, chances are you’ve got food on the grills burning up. Concentrate on what’s coming off first — get the food they have down up in the window before you fire anything else. Also, at this point, put your cooks in their places — as in, “You! Stay on fryers! You! Stay on grill! I have the board!” Once you’ve put them in their place, don’t let them get back out of it. Don’t let your fryer guy get over by the grills. It’ll confuse your kitchen. Everyone stays in their place and does as you tell them to. If they were good enough to work more than one place, they shouldn’t have needed you back there to start with. (A kitchen generally has about three spots. At the first place I worked, it was toastbitch, grillbitch, and boardman. Each had a section of the kitchen they were responsible for. At my current place, it’s frybitch, grillbitch, and boardman. I believe the terms come from two places — one, the boardman is in charge, and the rest of the guys are “their bitches”, and two, most cooks have done jail/prison time, which I think is where the concept of “being their bitch” comes from in the first place.) A kitchen in a restaurant is, oddly enough, a very testosterone-heavy place. Even if you’re a woman manager, you must have great big gonzo balls of stone to run a kitchen. That’s because most servers are women, and most cooks are men. Thus, your floor is estrogen-heavy, and your kitchen is testosterone-heavy. There are exceptions, but as a rule, in my experience, this is how it goes.
Okay, you’ve got your bitches in their place, and all the food coming off up in the window, and now it’s time to fire your next batch of tickets. You have to know how much your kitchen can cook at once, and this will vary depending on the skill of your cooks. You must learn this, or you will inadvertently screw your kitchen up even worse. In my kitchen, I can generally fire about five tickets worth of food at once. Grab your tickets and start firing. Speak loudly and clearly — kitchens are loud places. You need to be able to fire a ticket at a time, and total them up as you go. As in, “Fire — two early birds, one over easy, one up, two country frieds, one mashed, one baked, all-meat burrito, beef, (next ticket) make that three early birds, two over easy, one up, I need a New York, rare, baker, a panhandle, all bacon, scrambled, (next ticket) make that two new yorks, one rare, one medium well, another panhandle, over easy, fried chicken, fries, two fries, three fries, a big tex, a bacon burger, and a shroomburg!” Give them a minute to get everything down, and then give them an all-day. When you give an all-day, do it in the totals, not ticket-by-ticket, and look at your kitchen as you go — this is where you tell them what they’re missing. “That’s three early birds, two over easy one up, two country frieds, two new yorks, one rare, one med well, all-meat beef burrito, two panhandles, one all bacon, one scrambled, one over easy, fried chicken, a big tex, a bacon burg, and a shroom burg, three fries, two bakers, one mashed, ALL DAY!”
By the time you finish that, you can give them a “coming off on” for the first ticket you fired, and start throwing food up in the window. Meanwhile, you’ll be cooking, too. Boardman usually does eggs and organizes the food onto plates up into the window. Sounds like a hella lot of work, doesn’t it? Now you know what your kitchen is going through! Cooking is not an easy job. It sucks.
It’s a lot easier if the problem in your kitchen is that you already have a leader, but he’s been saddled with a couple of idiots to help him out. Then all you have to do is step back and follow orders. Take over some one’s position (or take over the missing position, which is what’s usually going on) and ask for an all-day. When you’re doing this, and your boardman gives you an all-day, remember that you only have to listen to the parts that apply to your position. The other guys have to remember the other shit.
Restaurant work isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun. I think you have to be a little masochistic to really enjoy it. A lot of it is entirely dependent on teamwork, and knowing your place.
